Today, I have a guest post from our correspondent in the field, Vera Nahce.
Vera comes to us with a theological background in Social Mediology, holds a PhD in BroScience, and is an expert at taking naps, having carried out extensive research on many different types of couches, laps, chairs, floors, beds and trains in a diverse array of circumstances. Vera writes about the dangers of a seemingly benign behavior that can be witnessed around the world, even in your own gym!
I write today in the hopes of educating about the dangers of lifting with plates that are mismatched. While this may seem like an arbitrary action, it is in fact, one that unleashes a massively destructive impact on the immediate environment, our society and even our solar system. To prove my point, I have compiled the data from several scientific studies and first-hand accounts of such atrocities.
If you are unaware of what such a practice looks like, here is an example:
Take care to read the scientific evidence behind the following devastating effects of lifting with weights that do not match. Heed my warning for your own good and the good of humanity.
1. You’ll Die
You’ll just die. It happened to my mom before she even had the chance to conceive me. I never even got to know her.
Still don’t believe me? Just ask the inhabitants of the Island of Brahemia. Oh wait, you can’t. BECAUSE THEY ARE DEAD. All of them. Wiped out by the unknowing neglect of the law of iron. All we know is that the last status update that came from an inhabitant of that that place was “all my bros dicks are falling off and we are dying AF. plz send halp”.
A fate worse than death.
While performing a rep with mismatched plates, the lack of symmetry between the two sides amplifies the effects of a vile frequency. The reverberations trigger a cataclysmic event – the unmistakable sounds of Nickleback music. A deeply unfortunate event. It’s theorized that this is the cause of the aforementioned fate.
I took it upon myself to verify this, and I am sad to say that it is true. I could only three manage light reps before suffering from crippling nausea. I am grateful to have escaped with my life.
3. Your sex organs will shrink
In 2013 a team of BroScientists collected data from a group of 46 men and women, ages 18-24, who were subjected to a 12 week training program. All participants in the study were cleared for strength training based on their Tinder profiles.
The participants practiced barbell training 3 days per week. They Squatted, Bench Pressed, Overhead Pressed and Deadlifted. The control group (Group A) lifted with plates of matching make and size. The other group (Group B) lifted with a janky ass set of weights, leaving them with no choice but to mismatch weights.
The BroScientists recorded fluctuations in body fat %, male penis size, female bra cup size, number of Instagram followers, quality of each individual’s relationship with his or her mother, and desire to wear Vibram Five Fingers.
The results? Group A realized decreased body fat while either maintaining or increasing penis size and bra cup size for the males and females, respectively. Group A also experienced increased Instagram activity, getting “likes” from socially popular individuals such as Kim Kardashian and The Rock, who could definitely smell what was cooking. The relationships between those in Group A with his or her mother improved, even if it was described as “Good” from the beginning. No fewer than seven (7) mothers started doing the laundry of her offspring. Lastly, there was a favorable decrease in any desire to wear Vibrams. Each Group A lifter finished the study with the conclusion that they “would sooner die than wear those terrible things.”
Now for Group B. After 12 weeks, about half of Group B showed signs of dying. Additionally, average penis and bra cup sizes decreased to an unfortunate state described as “I’m sure it’s just because your hands are so big.” Several mothers of members of Group B revised their wills and claimed to have been barren their whole lives. We don’t even need to talk about Instagram. Oh, and they all bought those fucking toe shoes.
4. Gastrointestinal distress
Lastly, if you mismatch your plates, your chances of farting mid-rep are increased by 97%. Do you want to be that person in your gym? Sure, it happens, but why would you want to habitually tempt social suicide? Additionally, our ozone layer is fucked up enough as it is.
There you have it. Even if you are just knocking out your warm-up reps, don’t subject yourself or others to these potential atrocities.